I've moved...

not literally.

However after much deliberation, I've decided to move onto a new blog (connected to my primary school email address). tear. I felt the need to start a new blog, not only to justify my lack of posting/updates, but also to respect the many changes in opportunities and perspectives that I've experienced at ND.

Follow me at www.jennaahnND.blogspot.com

In blog limbo

"Limbo," denoted as "an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition," sums up my recent (and be recent I guess I mean for the past month) state of mind towards my blog.

Though I am confident in my desire and passion for blogging, I find myself unable to post an update or an insight (into something that usually doesn't matter) because I feel like somewhere between becoming a college student, living in the midwest, and experiencing things that I'd never imagined, I've changed. Yes, it is inevitable. And yes, it only makes logical sense that as humans, we will continue to age and change both physically and mentally (brain plasticity ftw). But it scares me. Terrifies me. Never have I felt as much of a stranger to myself than I do now, but I know that some day I'll be able to pinpoint my finger on the exact "feeling/emotion" that I feel everytime I try to enter a new post, but even as I write this post---I am in limbo and only feel slightly comforted by the fact that I feel like I have a "deathgrip" grasp on the truest fundamentals of who I am. Let me be clear, this is less of a "midlife crisis: I have know idea who I am" and more of a "limbo: I realize that many things have changed and I do have a different perspective on certain things, but my innermost grasp on what I believe in, what is important to me, and my goals have not been lost." I just feel change. I feel limbo. (wow, highfives for anyone else reading this and thinking "that's a lot of epanorthosis")

So, I've had a lot of down time to ponder over what to eat, when I should get out of bed, and the meaning of life and sadly this is the only end product for the blog. I have however been considering the idea of starting anew, blogwise (curse nd gmail for finally upgrading and giving me the option to do so).

In other news, I survived my first semester at college (with only minor injuries and traumatic procrastinationoryism effects). Rather than trying to promise myself another "update blog" post (which I hate) I will leave you with a picture collage of the past 4 months of my life and ask you to fill in the story/gaps...appropriately.

Happy (and sweaty) family during frosh-O.

Chipotle: a hearty constant across the nation

Halloweekend 2010: best costume ever.

Good ol' Irish Football.

Moral of the story: never underestimate "raking leaves" in the midwest

Thanksgiving in Chicago/Northwestern University.

A familiar site, yet never a snowday.

Finals: a ploy to up sales for PeaceTea (that's a youtube video on photosynthesis btw).

Merry Christmas from Walsh Hall.

If you've made it this far, bravo. And cheers to Jenny on her journey to the rival-land of USC. May your first semester be filled with joy, bad food, good friends, sleepless nights, and everything else college has to offer (ps. don't die/get shot...are those mutually exclusive now?).

I just lived inception

After showing up at the wrong place for my "fitness testing" and having to run all the way (basically off) across campus, just to be further fitness-tested...I decided it would be a good idea to get in a quick 20 minute nap.

Here's what ensued...

I wake up super tired and not ready to go to my next class (nothing new here). As I get ready to risk my life (once again) by attempting to climb down the ladder from my left without being fully awake, I notice that my bedding is all messed up and my clock is dangling off the side...and I WAKE UP (but for real right?....no). After waking up, I immediately think about how that was the craziest thing ever and plan to tell all of my friends next door...and on the way down the ladder again, I WAKE UP (FOR REAL). Wtffff? I blame a multitude of things, but more importantly, I condone crazy 20 minute naps whenever possible.

Recent insights into Reconciliation

I think I'll almost always be the first to admit that I have a very elementary knowledge of my faith. Do I believe and have a fervent faith? Absolutely yes, but one of the greater reasons that I chose to come to Notre Dame was so that I could grow in my knowledge of the Catholic faith. While talking to a couple of my friends, we discussed the fact that (from her theology class) you can't "understand" until you first have faith, which I think is where I currently stand.

Recently I've been reflecting on the Sacrament of Reconciliation and what it means to me after listening to a FIDES group lecture about Reconciliation. Reconciliation was always something I found kind of "funny" in the sense that I wasn't sure why it really is only found in Catholicism (I mean it couldn't have just meant that Catholics commit much worse sins than the rest of the Christian community and therefore had to confess to the priests and do penance, but nonetheless...I wasn't sure). In light of recent conversation and events, my personal understanding of Reconciliation is more for the benefit of us (rather than any punishment or requirement that God had sent down on us). At the most stripped down level, no matter what we do or how terrible a sin we commit, God will always forgive us because His love is absolutely unconditional. However, the harder part (yet less important in the grand scheme of things) is the difficulty of us as finite humans to leave any guilt or disappointment behind and forgive ourselves. The priest is present there not only to help mediate between you and God (ie: keeping you honest with yourself in actually coming full front and naming your sins aloud) but also to offer guidance and support to you and your personal ability to deal with and accept/forgive yourself. I find this truth about Reconciliation personally eye-opening and beautiful in every way. As short and rudimentary as this post is, these are the current thoughts that have been swirling around in my head and I thought I'd jot them down. I'll add more later as I continue to think about and talk about things.

The First Update

The other day my psychology professor said, "you can't know how it felt to be a freshman in high school anymore because that person is dead." And in the case of my blogging, he is absolutely (though kind of sadly for me) correct. All of the new experiences and new friends that I met at the beginning of the year that I was planning on blogging about...can no longer be accurately recorded because my perception of said events have most likely changed since being first perceived (or maybe that's just my academic scapegoat of a reason not to go back and blog about everything I wanted to...so I can stop ignoring my blog and actually start posting).

I feel like I've moved out of the "college as a hotel/vacation" stage and feel very much more grounded in things now. I know where my lectures are, I know where to get my grilled cheese and occasional cereal at the dining hall, I know how to efficiently get ready in 20 minutes (just like old times...including a shower, might I add), and I know how to do my laundry. Generally, I feel like I've adjusted to college life, but there's still that inkling feeling of college as "not-real-life." I still catch myself thinking, "when camp's over and I'm home...I can't wait to see my family and lounge around on the couch" or waking up and expecting to see my "old room" back home. Nevertheless, I absolutely love it here at ND and only become more and more assured that I am exactly where I should be at this point in my life. This means that, even when I'm walking to calculus at 8:27 am in 28 degree weather (it's ONLY november!!!) after sleeping much less than the healthy number of hours, I look around and am so grateful and blessed to be a part of the Notre Dame family and experience.

So here's a quick list of updates on my experiences thus far (might I remind you that I still don't enjoy merely listing events or daily activities in my blog and I'm sure you don't enjoy reading a long list, but I thought this one time would be forgivable).

NDSO: during the first couple of weeks at ND, I auditioned for the ND Symphony Orchestra and made it in. I'm towards the back of the first violins and I love it. Though I miss all of my close friends in orchestra (especially being able to laugh when Jenny and I mess up) and the family-feeling of orchestra, I still love being in orchestra and the fast-paced and advanced level of a more real college symphony. We have our first real concert this Friday.

FIDES: I joined a faith-based group through campus ministry that meets once a week in small groups and once a month in a large group with a guest speaker. Unfortunately I can never make it to listen to the guest speaker because I'm busy reacting really awesome chemicals and calculating fantastic percent yields in chem lab (poor attempt at sarcasm, sorry), but the small groups are a lot of fun.

Center For Social Concerns: I got accepted to a program that seeks to educate and reveal the truths about "Urban Poverty and Homelessness" as well as immersing you in that type of atmosphere for a month. I felt especially called to this CSC seminar because the week-long immersion is in Portland during my last week of winter break. My once a week extra classes for this seminar start next week and I am super excited to meet my group and learn about urban development together.

Psychology: Not sure if this deserves its own special bolded subtitle, but since being here I've become even more interested and convinced that I should pursue a double major in biological sciences and psychology. Though I am still in a "exclusive relationship" with becoming a trauma surgeon someday, I can't deny my love and passion for psychology. I've been looking more and more into opportunities in neuroscience, neuropsychology, and behavioral psychology. I'm hoping to contact a professor about joining his lab on circadian rhythms sometime within this next week.

Fall Frolic: My dorm (Walsh Hall), aside from being the best dorm on campus, is holding its annual fall frolic dance this Friday that is "Catholic school-girl themed." I'm not super sure about what that is going to entail or what I'm going to wear, but I hear it's fun?

Turning over a new leaf: So all of those beautiful leaves that were in bloom a couple of weeks ago are now all over the ground, and consequently in need of pick up. While I thoroughly regret not taking more pictures of campus during the most beautiful "fall" I've ever experienced, I am excited about raking leaves for the elderly in the South Bend community on Saturday because (1) it helps out the people who may not be able to rake their own leaves anymore and (2) we get to jump in the leaves!

So I hope that fantastic list of stuff (that is probably missing a lot of other stuff that's been going on) can satiate you rabid readers for now...

-Yours truly

The coming of August may bring...

MASSIVE PANIC ATTACKS OF REALIZATION.

Why yes, I have been avoiding the topic of leaving for fear of mind melting. So the only logical thing to do? Clearly, atleast for me (someone who likes to think she has a grasp on her own feelings and certain psychological bizarre oddities), was to completely ignore the subject in every way. It was probably a valiant effort made up of NOT JUST fooling others, but even myself (gasp). For example:

plan 1: Nonchalantly telling people that I was excited to spend the summer relaxing and getting ready for college (thinking college would never come...oh august, how you seemed so far back in june, okay in july too).

plan 2: Taking a not-so-coincidental hiatus from blogging often ("if i don't address it, it won't happen...right?)

plan 3: Hiding my extreme anxiety and nervousness about leaving, with sheer excitement, obsession, and making unfulfilling friendships with new classmates via fb.

plan 4: If I don't pack up my stuff/beginning organizing the tornado that is my room, I won't actually have to leave. (this is still a viable plan...maybe just by default of my messiness)

plan 5: mini implosion. (this seems most plausible at this point)

Alas, all of these plans have come to no avail. It is August, and the ND alumni club sendoff picnic yesterday, purchasing of unreasonably large suitcases (there is NO need for anyone to have this many large suitcases...except for maybe...the biggest overpacker, yours truly), constant reminders from friends and family (no, the casual..."do you realize we're moving away and that our lives are going to change for ever?" questions do NOT fare well with the average ever-nervous-soon-to-be college freshman), and persistent dreams/nightmares (curse you subconscious) have made it glaringly obvious that I am approaching the last two weeks of my time in Salem for the summer. Though I like to think I'm fairly logical and understanding of my situations, I am completely dumbfounded by this entire transitional period and I don't know what/how to feel anymore. But mostly, I'm just scared of growing up.

*note, this entire post may or may not have been written in an impulsive state of mind and therefore most likely reflects the true opinions and statements of the author.

My new home: Walsh Hall

So it's been a while...and I've truly been wanting to blog, but I still have no idea how I feel (much less how to explain how I feel) about the fact that I'm moving on to the next part of my journey in less than 3 weeks (AHHHHH).

It is...

exciting, nerve-wracking, and absolutely surreal.

But here's a picture of my beautiful new home.

I feel so blessed and confident that I made the right choice in ND. On my visit last April, I had seen Walsh and automatically wanted to live in the dorm. At the center of campus, in God quad, Walsh has the best location. And being an older dorm, Walsh has tons of tradition and an established community feel. The room assignments were completely random (save for the fact that we knew we wouldn't be roommates with anyone with the same zip code...not that there's anyone else from Salem headed to ND). And even this relatively small detail on my premature trip to ND, makes me feel that God is up there (probably laughing) and ever present in this decision.